Meeting our daughter's birthmother

It's hard to believe that last week at this exact time we were meeting the special woman who is going to give her child to us. I've thought long and hard about what to share as well as how to share it. Honestly, I don't think "Dee" would mind us telling you everything, but I want to preserve her privacy, and also ours, to a certain extent.

So I'll recap the weekend, and hopefully these words will help me remember this story later on to tell our daughter, who by the way, will be named Walker. Walker is my middle name, chosen by my dad after his grandmother-Walker Brewer. Her full name will be Walker Brewer Kretlow. We had other baby girl names picked out, but when my father died, it seemed right to honor him in some way with the name of our first child. And, well, you can't name your baby girl Jim! My dad always used to tell me that "he named me special". He would say it over and over again. We have much of Walker's furniture in our home now. They are some lovely antique pieces.

Anyway, we waited to share the name until we had discussed it with Dee. She didn't want to name the baby-she felt we should do it, but she liked the name.

So here's how the visit went. We arrived late afternoon after a beautiful 6 hour drive mostly through Pennsylvania. We stayed at the Residence Inn by Marriot, which is an extended stay hotel with kitchen, living area, etc. We wanted to test it out to see if it would be a good choice for the 10+ days we will be in Ohio. There isn't that much to do in Youngstown. We heard there is a nice park, but we didn't get the chance to visit the park.

Prior to the visit we asked Dee to tell us what her favorite restaurants were. She gave us a list and then said, "I basically just love to eat", which is so funny because she is really tiny!

Friday night we met her at the Outback. We walked up to see a young woman in a cute sundress with sunglasses on and a little girl running around her. We were hesitant as to whether it was her, but then we knew it had to be. We gave each other a hug and smiled. I didn't cry, surprisingly. From then on, it was like we had known each other forever.

We told her to order whatever she wanted. She was very excited about that and ordered cheese fries, onion soup, and a steak. I'm still not sure where the food goes-she is tiny and has only gained about 16 pounds which is CLEARLY all baby. It's like someone shoved a basketball up under her shirt.

After dinner, we all went to sit out on the patio at our hotel. We talked for hours; Phillip mostly played with her daughter. They were instant friends. We gave her a gift of a little carriage and horse with a princess that has different outfits, which was an instant hit. But, she was equally happy to make a rock collection on the sidewalk or play "basketball" with Phillip behind the patio. I think it was great for Dee to see how wonderful Phillip is with children.

Dee and I talked a lot about her life that night. It has not been easy, but she has made more than the best of it. I learned that she had her first daughter at age 18, a freshman in college, and that she never took a semester off. She has worked two jobs and gone to school full-time while also trying to raise her daughter. I won't get into detail, but she doesn't have much family support, and yet, she has persevered amazingly.

Of course everyone in our situation has the same fear and doubt...will she change her mind? It's hard to let yourself get excited knowing that's a possibility. But after meeting her and listening to the things she said, I'm 100% sure that this is what she wants. I don't want to share why, but suffice it to say, we are sure, she is sure. It's a great match. She shared ultra sound pictures with us and I got to feel Walker strrrreeeetttcccch out in her belly. There's not very much room in there for her to do much moving around!

The next day Dee had some things to take care of so we kind of toured around Youngstown to get a lay of the land. We met up with Dee, her daughter, and fiancé for dinner at Chili's (where she wanted to go). We again talked for hours...the waitress had to come back twice because we were talking instead of looking at what to order on the menu!

She has a great sense of humor, and I really hope our daughter gets that from her. We spent a lot of the weekend laughing! We also talked about what we think she will look like. Her birthfather is very tall and has dark hair and dark eyes. She is taller than me, and has blonde hair and blue eyes. Dee and I both think the baby will come out with a head full of dark hair, and she is having heartburn, so if the wive's tale is right.....probably some hair on that head!

At the end of the visit, she hugged me and said "I'm so glad I haven't turned in my hospital plan yet, because I've completely changed my mind about how involved I want you to be". This made my heart smile.

I knew God would make room in my heart for her, but I just didn't know how much I'd like her. How strongly I would want to honor her, protect her, spoil her. I mean, eating out was a HUGE deal for her. That's something most of us take for granted.

I keep picturing her in my mind-her big blue eyes and her bright smile. It won't be hard to explain to Walker what a wonderful person she is, because it's all true. I wish I could share more pictures from the weekend, but we just feel really strongly that she gets to tell her own story. We have some great pictures of us together.

We've been texting now back and forth about lots of things; how she is doing, the baby, and other things. It's so hard to believe that Monday will officially be one month until the due date. She told us she's giving Walker an official "vacate the premises in 30 days" order on Monday. Just another insight into her humor. :)

Still can't believe it's real. Still can't believe I'm going to be a mom. Finally. We are just so blessed to have this long road coming to an end and a new journey beginning.

 

Anticipation.

The last few weeks have been filled with HUGE events in our lives. Beginnings, endings, and more. I have so much to say, but I can't seem to find the words to get it all out yet. I'll start by paraphrasing my aunt who paraphrased the Purpose Driven Life by saying that grief and joy run parallel in our lives. This last year has certainly taught me that, if nothing else.

Tonight, however, I am focused on the joy. Well, joy, anticipation, fear, gratitude and excitement.

Tomorrow we will meet the woman who will give birth to our daughter. Just let that sink in for a minute.

Over the past few weeks we have gotten to know her via email and text. This woman is amazing. She wished ME a happy mother's day. She says she's excited about this process and "knows she picked the perfect family".  She feels like family to us. That might seem odd to you, but it feels so right to us. I prayed for the last year and a half that God would make room in my heart for her, and boy, did he ever. I don't have words to express my gratitude.

I can't wait to hug her. I'm afraid  I KNOW, I will cry tears of joy when I hug her for the first time. That will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow, people.

We put together a basket for her...things that we know she likes and things we hope she likes. Ohio law only allows a VERY small amount of our match funds be given to her, and we both think that is crap. She is on bedrest, in school and has a four year old. She defies EVERYTHING you think about a woman who places a child for adoption. We will defend her to the end, and have already had to defend her to a few people who don't understand adoption. That's okay. We love her; it's not hard.

Adoption has changed a lot in the last 20 years. I don't think anyone knows whether it's better or worse for all involved, but I can say this. I'm thankful that I get to meet this woman. That I get to see her carrying this baby. That this baby will know how much she is loved by all involved.

What will happen next? No one can predict. But tomorrow will be a beautiful day.

The Adoption Process....what happens next?

Many of you have been texting, calling, and emailing to find out what happens next in our adoption process! I thought it would be easier to share on the blog than write a million different emails. Although-if you want to chat, please call, text or email!

First of all, I have to say thank you so much to all of you for your encouraging words, prayers, and thoughts about our adoption. Without many of you, we would never have been able to make it to this day (financially and emotionally!).

There are essentially 6 phases once you are matched.

1. The match call.
2. The conference call with adoptive parents, birth mom and adoption specialists
3. The pre-baby visit
4. The hospital call
5. The hospital
6. Signing papers and post-placement visits

I'll try to explain each briefly. We have already had the match call, when the adoption specialist calls to tell you a birthmother had chosen you. Boy, that was an exciting day! April 10th, 2013, one day after our 9th wedding anniversary. A date I will never forget!

Last week we had the conference call with our birth mother. She is amazing. I could go on and on, but her personality is sparkling and she is a beautiful person. It was like we had known forever.

Our next step is the pre-baby visit. In two weeks we will be visiting "Dee" for the weekend. She is very excited about meeting us in person, as are we! We had been working on a gift basket of goodies that are tailored to her interests. Mostly, I just can't wait to hug her, see her, and know her. I thought this part would be awkward (and maybe it will be...), but so far, it has felt very natural, which I'm so thankful for.

Soon after the visit, the "hospital call" will occur. Basically, Dee's adoption specialist talks with her about what she wants to happen in the hospital-things like whether she wants us to be in the delivery room or in the waiting room, how much time she wants to spend with us and the baby, and so on. We do know that the state she lives in requires her to wait 72 hours to sign the papers, and then we have to wait 7 days to have our first post-placement visit and wait on the interstate compact agreement papers to go through her state and VA and back. So we are prepared for a stay of about 10 days or a little longer. Luckily, we found an extended stay hotel that has a full kitchen and washer/dryer.

At the hospital, anything could happen. This is the scariest part for everyone, for all the obvious reasons. Basically, our adoption specialist explained to us that there are three types of hospitals: those that deal with adoptions frequently and allow adoptive parents lots of access (give them a room, a bracelet, access to the nursery), those that give limited access (nursery only), and those that give no access unless the birthmother is present. We are obviously hoping for the first or second option, but we will see how things unfold. The big buzz word about the hospital is "flexibility".

And the elephant in the room-can she change her mind and decide to parent? Yes. We are fully aware of that risk, but after getting to know this sweet woman, I would have a very difficult time being upset with her if she chose that. Do I think it will happen? No, based on lots of factors I won't share here, because again, that's her story, not ours. Honestly, I think she is going to become a very special person in our lives. In fact, she already is!

Once she signs the papers, we are allowed to take the baby "home" to our extended stay hotel. During that time, a social worker will come check on us and baby. We are required to stay in the state for 7 days after Dee signs the papers. Yes, we will be waiting on pins and needles.

After ALLLLLLL the paperwork and post-placement visit occur, we can take the baby home to VA. After that, we have a visit by our VA social worker once a month for the first five months.

Whew. And...all of this is going to happen in the next two months-she is 32.5 weeks along as of today.

We really need your prayers and positive thoughts! Mostly, the birth mom and baby need the prayers. We appreciate them as well, but we are not the ones making this difficult decision. I wish I could say more about how amazing this woman is; she defies all stereotypes of birth mothers. She is a very special person.

So, for now, we wait, we prep, we get excited and terrified. It's a roller coaster of emotions, but that's just part of becoming a parent, right?

I do know this. I never knew you could love someone so much that you haven't even met. That goes for baby and birth mom. A year of tragedy and grief has turned into a miracle. Thanks be to God.