So Let's Talk about this Fundraising Thing....

I've been mulling this over for the last few days....whether to say something about it or not. Whether to just be frustrated, or to decide to educate. I'm choosing the latter.

Last week, I had an acquaintance poke fun at my blogging/fundraising efforts toward our adoption. Let's just say, it was extremely hurtful, and I spent most of the night in tears.

So let's get down to the reality. Did I plan to fundraise to build a family? No. Did I want to make a huge public "to-do" about our adoption? No. Did we try EVERY other option first? Yes. In fact, to be quite honest with you, despite what it might seem like to you, the fundraising is really difficult, embarrassing, and humbling.

We had a plan to do this without help. That plan failed. Twice. Why? Because life happened. Because MOST people don't have access to $35,000+ in cash. Especially people who have been through outrageously expensive chemotherapy, taking a loss on a home,  and a massive layoff that impacted us in financial ways I can't even explain. All those things happened in the course of four years.

I guess here is the bottom line. Please, please, think about what you say. Put yourself in our position-it's uncomfortable at best. It's humiliating at times. But, it's what we have to do to build a family. It hurts enough to know that we're not able to do it our own. Why add insult to injury? Know that your words can be incredibly hurtful or incredibly uplifting-it's your choice. And I'm strong, but I can't bear being taunted for the fundraising. If you don't like it-don't follow the blog. Don't give money. It's really okay with us-we understand if you are uncomfortable or don't understand it. It wasn't my plan either, but it's the path I'm on and I'm incredibly grateful to those of you who genuinely want to help us become parents.

Honestly? It's mean to make fun of this. It's not okay. Educate yourself, or move on. We have plenty of amazing people who do support us and understand this journey.

Mary Kay for Baby K

We have a new and exciting adoption fundraiser to kick off--"Mary Kay for Baby K"! 

My friend Sara is a Mary Kay consultant. She is graciously going to donate 50% of her profits from the online sale of her Mary Kay products for the next month to our adoption. We all need makeup, and this way Baby K receives the profits!  Any purchase no matter the size goes to baby K. Mary Kay products are guaranteed 100%, so if you are not fully satisfied Mary Kay will exchange your product for something that is a better fit. In addition, if you aren't sure what products are right for you, Sara can personally help you choose based on your needs and preferences. 

This fundraiser will end November 25th, so you have exactly one month to make your purchase. 

Ordering can be done directly through Sara's website: www.marykay.com/sbilliot

Her contact information is also below. Please feel free to contact me or Sara with any questions. Sara, thank you for your generosity! Ladies, order away! 

The Best Way Out

It's no secret that I've been in a gloomy ole' "Eeyore" kind of mood lately regarding our adoption. All I can say is thank goodness for my husband's patience and the online adoption group I recently became a part of.

It would be logical to think that I would have gone through "adoption depression" once it became clear that biological children weren't in the cards...I certainly did experience a sadness when we had failed pregnancies.

It might also be logical to think that I would have gone through "adoption depression" when our home study took nearly five months and was filled with endless amounts of paperwork, social worker visits, and basically proving to people who barely know us that we are fit to parent.

It could also be logical to think the that buying the necessary items to pass the home study and satisfy our agency (crib, nursery furniture, torturous adoptive family video) would have caused some of the "adoption depression".

Well, none of those things caused it. I don't know how to explain it, but I suppose each of those things were milestones toward becoming parents.

I think when we made the decision to adopt-knowing we would eventually become parents-knowing how we would become parents-there was a sense of relief. Of elation. We WERE going to have a baby.

Seeing our first and second financial timelines fail were hard. Being where we are now-on our third timeline- is not hard, it's bleak. I think the elation part has worn off and I'm feeling all the things that I pushed back to get through the "steps" of becoming approved for adoption.

Maybe it just doesn't need an explanation. Maybe I'm just impatient. Well, I am certainly impatient in may ways, but I don't think that's what this is about.

I recently heard about this book "The Happiness Project". Behind this book was some sociological research on the definition of "happiness". One of the components of "happiness" is supposedly progression toward a goal. Well, dang, no wonder I'm feeling the adoption blues. I feel stuck. Makes sense, right?

This is not a "pity me" post. I've committed to honestly blogging about this journey from Day 1. Not just for me, but for other adoptive moms like me who need to know someone else is feeling what they feel. By the way-they are reading. People I don't even know. I don't get it, really, it's just some rambling on a webpage, but they are reading. There is still such a shroud of mystery around adoption. I get it. But it annoys me. Modern families come together all kinds of ways. We know it, but we're afraid to talk about it.

I have digressed into soapbox, my apologies. Back to my understanding of the "Adoption Blues".

As I was reading something yesterday, I came across this Robert Frost quote:

"The best way out is always through"

It seems so simply true, which does most of Frost's work (probably why I love his work so much, and why I hate most poetry that requires too much analyzing to figure out the meaning), but it gave me the words that I've been searching for. Here it is, y'all. I just have to go through this. You can't fix it, change it, or distract me from it. I'm not expecting any of that, just to be clear. But I do expect to be allowed to feel what I feel, for as long as I feel it. I think I HAVE to feel it, in order to get out, I have to go through it. Simply put, in "not-so-Robert-Frost" terms, it sucks. 

But, admitting that you're struggling doesn't mean you're weak. I'm not asking for understanding, sympathy, advice.....really I'm not asking for anything. I'm just expressing myself, in this space, as I always have.  Well, maybe I'm asking for a little bit of sensitivity. Just for now. Until I can see my way out of this "Eeyore" phase of the adoption journey. 

So, thanks if you have already been patient, thanks if you have dried my tears, thanks if you have donated prayers or funds,  and thanks in advance if you will be patient with me, allowing me to be where I am and feel what I feel. Honestly, I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just struggling. That's it. I'm doing the best I can. All I can do is keep breathing, working, hoping, praying, waiting, wanting, and living. 

Donate for Daddy

For the month of October, we will be doing a "Donate for Daddy" fundraiser for our adoption. This was suggested by our fundraising coach from AdoptTogether.

Phillip's 36th birthday is October 29th. So, our goal is to raise at least $360 by his birthday. That's ten people donating a dollar for every year of his life-ten $36 donations. Will you be one of the ten?

I'm guessing most of my loyal readers know what an amazing father Phillip is going to be. In fact, quite honestly, it was one of the reasons why I wanted to marry him. I watched him interact with my toddler sister when we first began dating, and I knew then, when it came to children, his heart was made of pure gold.

I've seen that continue over the years-I've never seen a baby cry in his arms. He's more comfortable around a newborn than I am (the weird floppy head thing gets me every time!). I've watched him coach middle schoolers and literally fall in love with teaching his students with disabilities.

If I'm being totally honest, I'm a little intimidated by his parenting prowess. I have a lot to live up to. He is gentle, and fun, and kind. I know I will have a true partner in parenting with this man. How do I know? Because man, we have been through some rough times in our 13 years together and we're standing stronger all the time.

So if you know Phillip, if you love Phillip, help him become a daddy. Donate a dollar for every year of his amazing life. You might not know that Phillip had quite a dramatic entrance into the world himself; born at only 27 weeks. He was literally a miracle baby. Obviously, he was meant to do something great on this earth, and I personally believe being an amazing father is one of them.

I mean, after all, not just ANY man could rock this look on "Wacky Tacky Day" during middle school spirit week, right?

$36 is Chinese take out for four. It's a tank of gas (if you're lucky!). It's a trip to Target when you're not sure how you went in to buy deodorant and came out with a $50 bill. As always, we understand if you don't have it to give. If you can't, share our story, light a candle, say a prayer, send encouragement Phillip's way. A lot of this journey has been focused on me-rightly so because after all, it is MY blog. But Phillip has faced the same fears, frustrations, and hope that I have, in addition to being my rock every time I don't think I can keep moving forward. He looks pretty good holding a baby, huh?

$36 for Phillip. $360 by October 29th. Donate when and if you can. We are still a little shy of $7,000 to meet our $15,000 goal. We are grateful for literally every penny. www.adopttogether.org/babyk

My life in pictures

I've taken a little break from the blog. After admitting that I'm not in a great place with the adoption, I needed some space from talking about it. I think I still need that. It's quite difficult to strike a balance between focusing on making our dream of becoming a family a reality and living my daily life.

I'm trying hard to enjoy my childless time-people tell me all the time that I'll look back on certain things and want them back once I do have children.

Having said that, the last few weeks have been beyond taxing professionally and personally for a variety of reasons that are far too personal for this space. I'm trying REALLY hard to see the glimmers of good in every day. So, here's my life in pictures the last few weeks.

 $172 from 8 baby bottles. Continuing to be amazed at the generosity. Keep 'em coming! 

First haircut in a year. Yes, we have to save money for the adoption, but the split ends had to go. 

Lazy Saturday evening at home. Everyone actually on their OWN bed. 

 Getting out the fall decor. 

 Mums-two for 5 at Harris Teeter! 

 In case we don't get around to carving a real one...we've had these guys as back-ups for a few years.

 Pretty walkway. This makes me so happy. Even though things haven't been going so well, the beauty of the earth lifts my spirits just a little bit. 

Last year's fall wreath recycled. Oh-and look closely-you can see me in the door. I just noticed this. 

 I want things to be different-I want to feel better. I want to let go and let things happen as they will. It's not easy, but I'm trying hard.