It would be logical to think that I would have gone through "adoption depression" once it became clear that biological children weren't in the cards...I certainly did experience a sadness when we had failed pregnancies.
It might also be logical to think that I would have gone through "adoption depression" when our home study took nearly five months and was filled with endless amounts of paperwork, social worker visits, and basically proving to people who barely know us that we are fit to parent.
It could also be logical to think the that buying the necessary items to pass the home study and satisfy our agency (crib, nursery furniture, torturous adoptive family video) would have caused some of the "adoption depression".
Well, none of those things caused it. I don't know how to explain it, but I suppose each of those things were milestones toward becoming parents.
I think when we made the decision to adopt-knowing we would eventually become parents-knowing how we would become parents-there was a sense of relief. Of elation. We WERE going to have a baby.
Seeing our first and second financial timelines fail were hard. Being where we are now-on our third timeline- is not hard, it's bleak. I think the elation part has worn off and I'm feeling all the things that I pushed back to get through the "steps" of becoming approved for adoption.
Maybe it just doesn't need an explanation. Maybe I'm just impatient. Well, I am certainly impatient in may ways, but I don't think that's what this is about.
I recently heard about this book "The Happiness Project". Behind this book was some sociological research on the definition of "happiness". One of the components of "happiness" is supposedly progression toward a goal. Well, dang, no wonder I'm feeling the adoption blues. I feel stuck. Makes sense, right?
This is not a "pity me" post. I've committed to honestly blogging about this journey from Day 1. Not just for me, but for other adoptive moms like me who need to know someone else is feeling what they feel. By the way-they are reading. People I don't even know. I don't get it, really, it's just some rambling on a webpage, but they are reading. There is still such a shroud of mystery around adoption. I get it. But it annoys me. Modern families come together all kinds of ways. We know it, but we're afraid to talk about it.
I have digressed into soapbox, my apologies. Back to my understanding of the "Adoption Blues".
As I was reading something yesterday, I came across this Robert Frost quote:
"The best way out is always through"
It seems so simply true, which does most of Frost's work (probably why I love his work so much, and why I hate most poetry that requires too much analyzing to figure out the meaning), but it gave me the words that I've been searching for. Here it is, y'all. I just have to go through this. You can't fix it, change it, or distract me from it. I'm not expecting any of that, just to be clear. But I do expect to be allowed to feel what I feel, for as long as I feel it. I think I HAVE to feel it, in order to get out, I have to go through it. Simply put, in "not-so-Robert-Frost" terms, it sucks.
But, admitting that you're struggling doesn't mean you're weak. I'm not asking for understanding, sympathy, advice.....really I'm not asking for anything. I'm just expressing myself, in this space, as I always have. Well, maybe I'm asking for a little bit of sensitivity. Just for now. Until I can see my way out of this "Eeyore" phase of the adoption journey.
So, thanks if you have already been patient, thanks if you have dried my tears, thanks if you have donated prayers or funds, and thanks in advance if you will be patient with me, allowing me to be where I am and feel what I feel. Honestly, I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just struggling. That's it. I'm doing the best I can. All I can do is keep breathing, working, hoping, praying, waiting, wanting, and living.
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