Transformation.

I haven't blogged in two months. I have about 50 posts written in my head, but they never seem to make it to print. Yesterday I finally decided on a reason why. I can't figure out how to transition my "old self" to my "new self". I don't really want to write a mommy blog, although it's mighty tempting. I love my daughter to pieces and it would be easy to post every day on the cutest things she's doing (sorry mom, I'm sure you were hoping for that). I do want to write some mommy blog posts, though, so I (and she) can remember my thoughts during this season of our lives.

Truthfully, I'm still trying to figure this new life out but not in a "what have I done I'm lost" kind of way.  I can be honest mabout one thing. I'm the happiest I think I've ever been in my life. I adore being a stay at home mo. And in case you whispered this out of earshot when I left my job in higher ed, I knew it was a permanent, career and life changing decision. I knew it, and I did it anyway. And I'm not sorry. There, I said it.

I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life before and after Walker. Here are some of the conclusions I have come to. First, while I believe strongly that education is often the key to a bright future, we basically ask teenagers to decide what they want to be for the rest of their lives as undergraduate freshman in college. I came to college wanting to be a musician. When I lost my way there, I stumbled, literally, into education. I liked it. It's easy to feel passionately about children. So I became a teacher. And then, my ambition and desire to do something "more" led me to a path in higher education. I was 25 when I entered my doctoral program and 28 when I took my position as a professor. Now, I'm 32, and I have no clue who I want to be, other than a mom (at least at this moment). I'm going to say this; I think I was too young to decide on a career in academia. Too young to understand the implications, too young and afraid to stand up for myself and my beliefs. Barely younger than many of my undergraduates and older than many of my graduate students.

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in the work I did during those years. I know I helped teachers and children. I know I have a gift for teaching, especially teaching reading, and I am grateful for that gift.

But now that I'm standing outside that part of my life, it feels like I was a different person. I don't want to go back to higher education. I don't really want to go back to a classroom. I don't know what I want, entirely, other than to be a mother. Non-profit agency? Maybe. Part time reading specialist? Maybe. Go into private practice? Maybe. None of the above? Maybe.

I adored my doctoral program, but I must give it this ONE criticism. We weren't shown all the alternate paths a Ph.D. could provide you. We were pushed strongly encouraged to enter higher education. My personal thoughts about higher ed now that I'm outside it? It's broken, in all the same ways our K-12 system is broken. I don't mean that to say that no good comes from higher education. I can list a million wonderful innovations that have come out of universities. But, it's still broken, because of ego, pedagogical chasms, antiquated systems, and disconnection from the real world of teaching. I'm not sure I'm the one to get back in there, tear down the lego tower and rebuild amongst a bunch of whiny toddlers. Well, actually, I am sure.

As a professor I spent the majority of my time outside my office. Where was I? In schools. In classrooms. With teachers. I craved the interaction of young children; I craved the response of a child's lightbulb turning on, especially when anyone would say "we've tried everything", knowing I could at least attempt a solution. I thought becoming a professor was about multiplying impact, and I know at least a few students who would say I did that for them. But it didn't replace the hole in my heart from working with young children, and I don't think it's necessarily as simple as teach one teacher, teach 100 students. It takes a LOT of effort and some God-given talent to get a pre-service teacher to a place where he/she can be on the path to becoming a master teacher.

I don't miss my "old life", and that has surprised me some. Well, I miss wearing grown up clothes, grabbing coffees, intellectual discourse, and teaching people how to teach reading. But, I'm sure I'll find a way to meet those needs with a new sense of freedom that I don't have to "BE" what I "DO" for a living. In my "old" life, I spent 100 miles a day driving to and from work. I didn't have many friends outside my work colleagues. I worked every weekend. I worked every night and woke up to 100 more emails in the morning.  I felt out of place with the intense pedagogical disagreements and strong personalities; I felt as if I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Many times, the shoe dropped, like a freaking hammer.

I was so far away from who I wanted to be that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. But if this shocks you, know I was pretty good at pretending. Plus, sometimes you don't know until you can reflect. As the cliche goes, "hindsight is 20/20". 

Truthfully, I could easily blame this shift in my thinking entirely on Walker. I could say that I wanted to leave this life behind because I wanted to devote my life to her, but that would only partly be true. I am completely in love with her and want to care for her. But that describes all the mothers I've ever met, whether they work outside the home or not, so that's not unique to me.
The actual truth is, it was a series of deaths and her birth, that combined, propelled me forward into this new chapter in my life.

When my father died suddenly almost a year ago, it completely changed my perspective on life and my options as a parent. My father's work was his entire life, so much so that he missed out on many of the most wonderful aspects of living-namely-family. He searched for his worth in work and money, and never found it there. He was someone who had everything, and yet, at the same time, lacked many of the things that are actually the most valuable. His death taught me that I didn't want to wrap my identity in my work; that I could actually be happier with fewer material things.

In May my grandfather died suddenly, and in August my grandmother died after a long stroke-related illness. While their deaths were entirely different, the lessons I learned from them were similar. During both memorial services, people spoke about how much my grandaddy and gram served the Lord. How humbly and simply they lived. How much they cared for others. How frugal they were, so that they could give generously to others. In particular, I was inspired at my Gram's memorial. I sat in the pew, having just recently made the decision to leave my job to be a stay at home mother, honestly, still clueless about how to transition from my "old self" to my "new self". Then, in hearing about my Gram's legacy of homemaking, community outreach, generosity, ingenuity, and faithfulness to God, I became inspired. Most of what I heard, I already knew. But, sitting in that pew, it felt as if the Holy Spirit was pouring Miracle Grow on a tiny seed. I was determined to live up to my Gram's legacy, but more importantly, to search for the woman God meant for me to become.

Listen, I'm not a holy roller. I'm not going to knock on your door, hand you a pamphlet, and ask for 10 minutes of your time. I don't think that's how it works-at least not for me. Just like this isn't going to become a "mommy blog", it also isn't going to become a religious blog-mainly because I'm a complex person with many thoughts. And hey-I might want to post a recipe now and then just for fun.

But God is moving me in some very specific ways. I know I am going to have the opportunity to use my gifts AND my education in new and exciting ways.

Two Month Checkup

Today was Walker's two month checkup (a little late, but it was the first time we could get in at her pediatrician). Here she is when we arrived at the doctor's office.

 

 

 As all you other mommies know, two months means four vaccines. Three shots, one oral suspension. Needless to say, I was dreading it. My tiny baby doesn't know pain. And though I have a Ph.D. related to children and understand scientific evidence, I still got a little freaked out given all the hype around vaccines. But the rational part of me got it together, and after a little pep talk from Dr. Quillian I was ready. They let me do a comfort hold (thanks to my friend Meridyth's recommendation) and they gave her Tylenol before the shots. The nurse was so sweet; she talked to Walker right before and said "I know this isn't the fun part, but we're doing it because we love you". Melt my heart. I love this practice!

 

 

Walker screamed for literally about two seconds, and proceeded to fall asleep. No. Lie.

 

This kid is a trooper! She got one Snoopy bandaid and one Scooby Doo bandaid. We went shopping for a wedding gift afterward and she was just as happy as a lark. When we got home she really wanted some extra snuggles, so I wore her in the Ergo for a few hours. Truthfully, it's the only way to get anything done around here when she needs to be held.

Look at those pitiful little tired eyes peeping out.


Now for the fun part. I couldn't wait to see how much she weighs and how long she is! I guessed 11 pounds, and I was close (probably because I "wear her" or carry her around most of the day). She weighed in at 10 pounds 7 ounces and is almost 23 inches long! That's 25th percentile for weight and 50th percentile in height. I would kill for those stats! She will probably kill me for the picture below when she's about 13, but oh well.


At the end of the visit, Dr. Quillian told me I was a great mom. When you're a first time mama, it feels really good to hear that when you question everything! Did I mention I love this pediatric practice? So thankful that the first round of shots are over and now I know what to expect, and even more thankful for a healthy baby girl!

Walker's First time to Church

This past Sunday we finally got our act together to make it to church. We have been out of town a lot this summer, not to mention getting used to life with a newborn!

Since we moved to Virginia (5 years ago this month-hard to believe!), we had attended Peace Lutheran Church in Charlottesville. I taught Sunday school there for a year, we both participated in Vacation Bible School, we met so many wonderful people, and it was a sweet faith community for that phase of our lives. Now that we have Walker, we wanted a church that had a larger children's program and more young families like our own, and one that was closer to home (Peace was about a 40 minute drive). Our wonderful neighbors the Chambers suggested we try St. Paul's of Ivy. We visited once before Walker was born and loved it. Tons of young families and only 10 minutes from our home. Plus, we just adore our neighbors, so it is just one more opportunity to fellowship with them! The church is over 175 years old and is incredibly beautiful. Both ministers have young children as well. Did I mention the choir and organ are amazing? Hoping to join the choir this fall!

Last Sunday was "fall kickoff" Sunday and included a picnic after church. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to introduce Walker to church for the first time. I'm not ready to put her in the nursery yet, and luckily they welcome children into the sanctuary during the service. During the service they did a blessing for all the children going back to school, and the kids were encouraged to wear their backpacks for the blessing. It was super cute to see all those little ones marching down the aisle...especially the one little boy who had his backpack on his head. :) If we have a son one day, I just have a feeling that will be my kid.

Walker was a dream-she slept through the entire service. She got her first blessing during communion, which was really important to both of us and such a sweet moment. After church it was like a bee-line of old ladies in Sunday hats waiting to get their hands on her! Everyone was so welcoming, and we instantly felt right at home.

So, we are officially joining St. Paul's on October 27th, which is the same day Walker will be baptized. My mom is making her baptism gown. The picture below is kind of hard to see but it's the one on the top left. It has a little jacket and bonnet. Swoon.

Here's a picture of her baptism invitation/announcement.

The church is so family focused; we are so excited to welcome Walker into this faith community where she will no doubt make many friends and be guided along her Christian journey (as will we).

 

 

 

 

A Letter to My Daughter

 

 

My Sweet Walker Brewer,

I imagined you in my mind long before you were born, baby girl. Your daddy and I tried to have a biological baby, but we couldn't, and now we know that it's because YOU were ALWAYS meant to be ours. I wouldn't change that for any reason. Besides your sweet daddy, you are the love of my life.

Darling girl, there are SO many things I want to teach you-so many things I want you to know about the world and about being a girl. Some things I can show you, some things I can tell you, and some things you will learn on your own. But tonight, as I listen to you breathing in the baby monitor, I want you to know these things that I will tell you over and over again.

1. You are loved. Baby girl, people loved you before you were even born. People prayed for you, hoped for you, and rejoiced when you were born. When you made your first appearances to friends and family, they literally couldn't wait to meet you long enough to get into the house-they ran out into the driveway to meet you!

2. You are capable of becoming anything you want to be. Your daddy and I will support your dreams. You want to be a doctor? We'll buy you a science kit. You want to be a hairdresser? We'll buy you a manikin's head to practice on.  Find your joy, your passion, sweet baby girl, and we'll support you in any way we can.

3. You are worth a wonderful man. Will some loser boys break your heart? Probably. Mama knows this, daddy dreads it. But most of all, remember the love your daddy has for you and know that's the kind of perfect love you deserve in a husband. It's okay to wait for Mr. Right. Your worth isn't determined by anyone other than yourself, darling. Remember, you are WORTH it. We will tell you this daily.

4. Have integrity. This kind of goes in tandem with #3. Hold your head up high. Have high standards. Go against the "grain" when you know it's right. You might be teased for this. In the end, it will be worth it.

5. Cherish your family. Sweet girl, you are beyond blessed to have a wonderful family. Not everyone has that gift, so bask in it. You have two wonderful Nanas, a sweet Grandpa, a great Granny, two great Grandpas, and an insane amount of aunts, uncles, and cousins, not to mention your precious first mommy, biological sister, and great-grandma on your biological side. How many people are lucky enough to be surrounded by sweet family that adores them? Not many. But you, baby girl, are that lucky.

6. Work HARD. The word owes you nothing. This is something your daddy and I have talked about incessantly since we wanted to become parents. Do you have advantages? Sure. Should you take them for granted? No. You work for what you have, and you give back when you can. We want to teach you the joys of living a simple life.

7. Love your God. Should this have been number 1? Perhaps, but you are only 2 months old and we are slowly introducing you into this. Just know that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God. Christ died once and for all, and darling, that means for you.

Sweet, darling, baby Walker-we love you more than we could ever express. That's why we kiss and hug you constantly. It will also be why we discipline you, teach you, push you. We still can't believe that we are blessed enough to be YOUR parents. We love you baby girl!

 

Choosing to Stay Home

You all know I'm a self-proclaimed feminist. You also know that I loved my work as a professor and a special educator. So it was probably a shock to many when I made the confession that I had decided to leave my work (or at least put it on pause) to stay at home with my daughter. Honestly, I surprised myself as well.

I actually made the decision mid-April, but didn't say anything about it publically until after Walker was home with us in VA. Here's how it went down.

First of all, I didn't just make my decision because of Walker. To be honest, I had become more disenfranchised with higher education in general in the last year. While there were lots of things about it I loved-teaching and research, mostly, there were a lot of other things about it I disliked hated. Once we found out we were going to be parents, I really started to struggle with leaving her 8-12 hours a day with a 110 mile round trip commute. My father's passing last year also taught me a few things, namely that life is often shorter than we anticipate and I didn't want to have regrets about not spending as much time with my family as I can. Now, I have absolutely no issue with working moms. I planned to be one for the 11 years I worked as teacher, a research assistant, and a professor. In fact, had my father not passed away, I would have HAD to be one-not by choice but by necessity.

As difficult as my father's passing was (and still is, in many ways), he gave me the gift of being a mother. He helped us adopt Walker and he is helping me be able to stay home with her.

The moment of truth for us happened one morning on our deck on a cool spring Saturday morning. I had been struggling with work and we had just found out Deanna had chosen us. I admitted to Phillip that I wanted to stay home and laid out for him how I thought it would be possible financially. Not surprisingly, he supported me 100%, though we were both petrified of living on one salary (well, he has two jobs technically-teaching assistant and coaching swimming). I would continue to do a fair amount of contract work as well, but we knew it would be tight.


Since making that decision I have felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. So far, the worst day with Walker is still better than my best day at any other work I have ever done. Do I still feel passionately about students with disabilities and teachers? Absolutely. that's in my soul, it can't be removed, and I will continue to work within my those passions to some extent. Do I want another job as a professor? I don't think so, but it's too early to tell. I don't miss it. I loved my students and many of my colleagues, but I don't miss it enough to leave Walker if I don't have to. I understand for many women, they couldn't be happy without their work. I honestly thought I would for sure be one of those women. As it turned out, having Walker changed everything in an instant for me.

The #1 question I get asked about this decision is whether or not I'm going to go back to work and when. I don't know the answers to those questions, and I don't think I have to know right now. It depends on a lot of factors, but we have come to the conclusion that we can continue to make this work as soon as Phillip gets a teaching job (which will hopefully be next year). Will we be rolling in cash? No way. We will be on a tight budget, but I don't miss the "extras" at all. We want to adopt at least one more child, and right now it doesn't make sense for us to move again for another position in higher education for that reason. It makes more sense for me to continue to do what I'm doing, at least through our second child going to PreK. Who knows how it will really pan out. Those are just our thoughts right now, but anything could change. Perhaps I'll have a huge desire to go back to work after her first year. I doubt it, but anything could happen.

I was surprised, honestly, by the amount of support I received from my friends and colleagues, despite the fact that some of them were shocked. Other moms get it, and I love that I was supported by moms who work and moms who don't. No one (at least to my face anyway!) thought I was throwing away my career, etc., etc., etc. I don't regret getting my Ph.D. or any of the work I have done! It was one of the highlights of my life, and it still gives me so many more choices career wise than I would have ever had before.

I have also learned that being a stay at home mom is as hard as anything else I have done work-wise. It's a different kind of hard, but it's still hard, especially on the days Phillip is gone for 12+ hours and I'm the only one here to take care of Walker. Again, though, I wouldn't trade it for anything. All moms make sacrifices, regardless of whether they work outside the home or not, it's part of the job. I'm just so incredibly grateful to be able to have this very special time with my daughter!

And Baby Makes Three

I know this blog post is way overdue. After all, Walker turned two months old this week! I could claim that I've been a little preoccupied, which would be true. But more truthfully, I haven't been able to quite figure out a way to tell the story of how we became parents. As cliché as this sounds, there aren't really words to describe this beautiful story. Alas, I'm going to give it a try anyway!

If you follow my blog, you have followed our adoption story from the beginning. So you know that we were chosen by a wonderful birthmother, Deanna, who is now part of our family. You know that we went to Ohio early to spend some more time with her and make sure we were present for the birth.

Walker was born on June 15th, at 12:04 am. I am so grateful to Deanna for allowing me to be in the room when she was born. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I cried like a big baby! It was love at first sight for this mama!

 

We all spent the next three days (72 hours required by OH law) in adjoining rooms. We made the best of the challenges of being an adoptive family in the hospital for three days-we spent a lot of time all together. The hospital staff was okay. Considering some of the horror stories I've heard about hospital staff and adoption, we have a lot to be thankful for, but I think they should have treated Deanna better. I'm not going into detail, but it just proves that we have a LONG way to go to help people understand open adoption.

When we were finally discharged, we spent about two more weeks in our extended stay hotel waiting for the interstate paperwork to clear.

During those days we spent more time with Deanna, her then fiancé (who is now her husband-but not the baby's birthfather), and her sweet four year old daughter-Walker's biological sister. We left on July 1st, after being the witnesses as Deanna and her fiancé CJ got married in front of a judge. It was a new beginning for all of us, but it was really sad to leave. We can't wait to go back in December for a visit!

Since being home, we are still settling into our new life as a family of three. It's amazing. I love watching her change and grow, though I'd love to keep her tiny forever! I still can't believe she is two months old!

So far, here are a few interesting facts about Walker:

• She is a good night sleeper! She usually goes down about 8:30-9 and only wakes up once to eat.
• She hates naps! I like to say that she is allergic to them. The only way she will nap right now is if one of us is holding her. Can't really say that I mind the nap snuggles, but it does make it hard to get anything done!
• She has started to smile and "talk". Melts my heart!
• She hates tummy time with a passion, but we make her do it anyway. She's already doing really well holding her head up.
• She hates to be hot. She will scream bloody murder if she is at all hot, and she gets hot easily. Sometimes this happens in the car, even though the AC is blasting, and you can't pull over. Fun times!
• She is very snuggly. I hope this never goes away.

Here's how much she has already changed from newborn to two months old! It's going by sooo fast. I want to savor every moment.

 

Walker is the joy of our lives. We knew there was a piece of our hearts missing, but I don't think either of us knew how big a piece she would fill. Not only that, we gained a second family through open adoption. Every second of our struggles to become parents was worth it to get to this point in our lives!

 

The Cat's Out of the Bag

We have been waiting to update everyone about our whereabouts as well as what's going on with the baby. Last week we got the update that Dee would likely be induced between the 15th and the 17th. Then we found out that she had an ultra sound and appointment this past Tuesday and she invited us to come along. We were already planning to leave Wednesday, so we decided just to go ahead and pack up the good ole' station wagon and head to Ohio. It was so packed (including the Griswold car top carrier) that I'm not sure exactly how the baby is going to fit in it on the way home, but I'm sure we will find a way!

 

Tuesday morning we all went to the appointment together. We got to see the baby on the ultra sound screen, but it was difficult to see much of anything because she is so cramped in there. We did, however, get to hear her heartbeat. So neat. We are grateful to Dee for letting us experience that! The baby weighs approximately 7.2 pounds. Dee has a recheck ultra sound on Friday. If conditions are right (not to be overly specific or TMI), they will go ahead and induce her tomorrow; otherwise, the induction has been moved to Wednesday.

 

We have been having fun hanging out together. We have done some shopping for the baby with Dee, who wanted to pick some things out for her, gone to a festival, and had lunches/dinners together. We've done LOTS of talking, about all kinds of things, serious and silly. I'm so glad we had the opportunity to come out here early to spend more time together.

 

So, we are officially on baby watch. We'll know more tomorrow.

 

In the meantime, we're trying to get our little extended stay hotel room ready for a newborn. Here's Phillip with one of three loads brought up to the room!