It's really easy for me to show the happy side of deciding to adopt. It's really easy for me to "show hope". It's really hard for me to show pain.
Tonight, I cried. A lot. Tonight, the weight of it ALL came crashing down. The pregnancy losses. The adoption. The waiting. The uncertainty. The financial struggles. The responsibility. The literal weight OF IT ALL. It's been a while since I've let my guard down. I show my "brave face" primarily here. But, in wanting to be honest about the process of adoption, I have to show the low points as well.
There are so many women struggling with fertility-I feel like it's important for me to be their voice. It's such a taboo topic. Why? Because it feels like a failure. Your body won't do what it's supposed to do. There is no way to explain that unless you've been through it. It's not the same as having a biological baby. It's just not. I know I will love our baby the same as I would a biological baby, but it's just not the same.
So let's go there. I'm at a low point. We have an approved home study. I have a beautiful nursery in my home; that, if I'm being perfectly honest, I can't really stand to go in anymore. Truth. Be. Told. I had heard that lots of families create a nursery, then shut the door until the baby came home. I never really understood the "shutting the door" part, until now. I can't go in there much. It's too painful. It's so hopeful, it's painful. I love the smell of the nursery....new paint, baby shampoo, and onesies washed in baby detergent. All the things that people have given us, neatly hung in the closet and folded in the drawers. This won't make sense to most people, but if you've struggled with fertility, then you know the pain of "hope".
Two days ago we were presented with an adoption option that was outside of our adoptive parent questionnaire. We didn't make this public. "Outside" the adoptive parent questionnaire means more expensive, more issues with the birth parents, etc. We are not obligated to accept. The adoption was going to cost $47,000, and there were multiple medical issues with both parents (I'm not going into more detail than that). So, we had a choice. Bring a baby girl (melt my heart) home on December 2nd, or let go. And....we had to let go. Partly because $47,000 is way above our match budget, and partly because we aren't comfortable with the "medical" issues. As desperate as we are to be parents, we aren't willing to take on more debt, more uncertainty....you get the idea. Yet...I feel guilty for this baby girl. Who will take her? I don't know. Foster care? Hence....more tears. I have to ask myself....am I a bad person for not taking her? We can't afford her, first of all...and she is potentially going to have a lot of medical/social/emotional/psychological issues....
It's. just. so. hard. When you have your own baby, you don't know what kind of medical/social/emotional issues the child will have, right? So this is not an easy decision. The humanitarian in me wants to rescue this baby girl. I mean, we already have names for both (no, we're not going to reveal!). She is real. She needs a family. But....all I do is rescue kids in need. I'm not sure...if I'm being 100% honest...that I want to rescue my own child. Go ahead and judge; it's okay-I judge myself, too.
These little "situations" that are outside our APQ, are difficult to deal with. We get excited every time there is an opportunity for us to have a baby. Then, we read the details, and they are insanely outside of what we are willing to accept. Look-both of us work with kids that have serious special needs every day of our life. In our personal life-we'd like to give "regular" a try. Don't get me wrong, we love kids with disabilities. We'd just like to give "regular" a try at home.
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