Becoming a mama. The story.

I've been waiting a few days to write the story of how we found out we were chosen by a birth mother. I've been waiting for a few reasons. First of all, because we are still in shock! Second of all, because we had to think long and hard about what to share, when to share it, and how to share it. After all, I can only tell my own story, no one else's.

So here goes, from top to bottom.

We were both working last Wednesday and didn't have access to our phones. I didn't leave work until 7pm, and as I was driving home, I saw a message from Kansas. Our agency is in Kansas, so every time I see that number pop up, my heart skips a beat. The last few times it has been paperwork related, so I tried not to get my hopes up.

The message said this "we have a potential match for you, give me a call back". That. Was. It. And it was 8pm, so we couldn't even call back-everyone had gone home for the evening. We were left wondering....what does "potential" match mean? Is this it???? We knew absolutely nothing more than that.

We were able to finagle our schedules on Thursday to have a conference call with the birth mother's specialist. I'll never forget her words.

"A birth mom has selected you guys' profile. She's due June 24th. It's a baby girl".

The call lasted about half an hour, so I'm pretty sure she said some more stuff, but I didn't really hear it. All I heard was June 24th. Baby girl. 

People-that's NINE AND A HALF WEEKS FROM NOW!!! Never in a million years did we imagine getting picked this soon after going active in late January. We are beyond thrilled. I have a joy I've literally never known. 

Today we got to talk with the birth mother. I'm not going to name her or say much about her. We'll call her "Dee". Dee deserves privacy; when and if she is comfortable with us sharing details about her we will. I can say this. The phone call could not have gone better. She has an adorable personality, is very driven, and so funny! It's almost like she's a mix of the two of us...she loves shopping, socializing, and sports. Poor Phillip, he didn't hardly get a word in edge wise (guess he better get used to it, right???), though he did manage to ask her about sports. She is a huge sports fan! They both played soccer. It literally seemed like we had known her for years. 

I was amazed at how positive she was about her decision. After we thanked her for choosing us (and I said I wanted to give her a phone hug...which she thought was funny), she told us that she felt this was a win-win for everyone involved-for her, for baby, and for us. She actually told us that she was excited to be able to give us this gift. I totally wasn't expecting that. 

She told us all about the pregnancy. Poor thing, she has horrible morning sickness (still!), and heartburn. Dee is pretty tiny herself, and the baby is very long but also small (3 pounds as of Monday's ultra sound), so she is having trouble finding room in mama's tummy! She's on bed rest because she went into early labor a little while ago, but things are fine now. 

I can say becoming a mom has already changed me. I'm already re-evalutating what I want our lives to look like, in so many ways. We are potentially going to make some big changes...but that's still under discussion. Right now, I want to bask in the glow of gratitude. There are absolutely no words to describe how we feel about this situation. 

I bought this little sweet ballet outfit for her newborn shots. *SQUEAL*.

Waiting.

Here are the dictionary.com definitions of "patient"

1. Bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm

2. Quietly and steadily persevering  or diligent, especially in detail or exactness.


Even prior to reading these definitions a few minutes ago, I wouldn't have called myself particularly patient. I definitely inherited that from my dad; he told me so many times, and I agree. Though, I do believe I have mellowed in that department (by choice) a lot over the last few years.

However, I think the events of the last year or so have changed me dramatically, to say the least. The lesson learned relates directly to patience. The lesson learned is this-I have very little control over the external things that happen in this life. I couldn't control my inability to  have a successful pregnancy. I couldn't control losing my father tragically and suddenly at 60. And now, I can't control how long it takes for a birthmother/father to choose us. All of these things are lessons in patience-I didn't ask for them, just to be clear! You always hear people say not to pray for patience, because you'll certainly be tested!

We've been active with our agency almost three months. As of a few weeks ago, our profile had been shown 21 times to birthparents, so as our adoption specialist said "you're getting out there". Statistically,  our agency produces a "match" within 1-9 months, but of course that's not a guarantee.

People have asked me if the wait is driving me crazy. The answer? Yes, and no, but not for the reasons you might think.

We have been trying for, talking about, planning for, fundraising/saving for this baby for so long, waiting a few months hasn't been very torturous. What is driving me crazy, is that it could happen at any moment. I often find myself wondering, what if THIS is the last time I sleep past 6 am? Moms, go ahead and laugh your heads off...because I'm here to admit I have no idea what I'm in for. Truthfully, I'm nervous. I'm sure all first time moms are nervous. When people ask me if it's exciting, I say yes, and petrifying all at the same time! This is not just because we're adopting-it's because we're about to be responsible for someone else's life.

There was a point in this process when I couldn't stand to go into the nursery, because it had taken so much longer than we first anticipated, and because we were no where near being active. So, I closed the door and didn't go in. Now, I enjoy going in again, because I know it WILL happen for us.

Every time my phone rings, I jump. I immediately look for the state where the call is coming from if there is no name and I don't recognize the number. Twice the agency has called us (and my heart fell to my feet), but it was about paperwork and other logistical items. Darn!

This weekend we are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary with a quick trip to Williamsburg (technically on Tuesday...9 years on the 9th!). It has gone by so fast! Both of us are hoping and praying that this vacation will be our "babymoon". I know so many people say things to me like "you just wait"....and "you'll never sleep in again".....well....I'm ok with that. I have waited. A long time. So whatever the sacrifice (however scary it is), I'm certain Phillip and I are up to the challenge. He's my teammate, my mirror, TRULY my better half.

So, the wait? It's more nerve wracking than annoying. I'm trying to let go and enjoy our lives together as just the two of us, before we fall in love with someone else! I can't wait to become a family of three.

Easter Surprise!

This morning when we got up, Phillip immediately went out into the garage and was rummaging around. This is not his normal routine. After a while, I opened the door to the garage and saw him squatting down messing with something in the hatchback of his car. I asked him what in the world he was doing. He told me to go back inside. :)

When he came back in he surprised me with an Easter basket! I don't think I've had an Easter basket since I was in high school. It was full of things I love and was spring-themed. Candles, sunflower seeds (my dad's favorite flower), day-lilly bulbs and gardening gloves.

What a fun surprise! He's going to be such a great dad.

A Good Day.

After a really snowy late winter and early spring, yesterday the temperatures were finally above freezing-the high was actually in the 60s! 

Phillip found this awesome park in Crozet, only a few miles from our house. So we hiked a couple trails there today. Even though there aren't any leaves on the trees, it was still beautiful! 

After the park, we went to the Fresh Market (newly opened in Charlottesville!) and got some delicious items for dinner and for later in the week. I LOVE the Fresh Market. We always used to go there in Charlotte, and it started in Greensboro, so this Carolina girl was really happy when it showed up in Charlottesville. Love the atmosphere, love the food, love the people. Who carries your groceries to your car anymore, right? 

I found this Burt's Bees conditioner that smells divine. Can't wait to try it. I seriously might wash my hair three times a day because this conditioner smells so good. 

Equality and Frustration.

It’s time to tell the truth.

The truth? Not that surprising if you really know me. Here’s the truth-I’m a flaming social liberal (gasp). Lest that not be confused with a fiscal liberal, which I am not. This isn’t really a political post. It’s more of a social justice post. So…here goes. And if you don’t like this, agree with it, or outright hate it, that’s okay. I still love you. I hope we can still be friends. But if not-I understand. Let me be clear: I’m not trying to change you, and I have absolutely no intentions of changing my own beliefs, so spare me your comments to the contrary. This is my blog, my thoughts, my feelings, my life. So, I won’t entertain comments that are derogatory or pejorative.

Here’s the deal. I’m frustrated. I would identify myself as a Christian. Meaning-I follow the teachings of Christ. I believe that the New Testament rescued us from the law of the Old Testament. I minored in religion at Furman during my undergraduate work. That minor, despite what you might think, made me question my own beliefs more than confirm them.

Here’s the bottom line. I believe that Jesus’ main message was this: judge not, love more.  Beyond that, as an American, I believe that it’s not the right of the government to “promote” Christian values. There is a reason we have separation of church and state. Our government is not a “theocracy”. Remember why we became Americans in the first place? As I recall, religious persecution was a factor.  It doesn’t matter whether religiously I agree with you or not. Because I’m American, I should understand that my religious freedom is a gift and a right, but not something to be imposed on anyone, lest they impose their beliefs on me. You want to worship in a Mosque? Your right as an American. You want to worship in a temple? Your right as an American. You don’t want to worship at all? Your right as an American.

Before I state my position, let’s consider our past. American women had to fight for the right to vote. Who among us would disagree with that decision? Yet, at the time, it was seen as  a  very controversial “civil rights” issue-women were looked upon as less intelligent and less worthy of an opinion than men. This was less than 100 years ago!  Similarly, African Americans had to fight for the right to equality, not just voting, but the right to drink out of a water fountain or use the restroom. That’s just disgusting. There’s no other way to say it. Who among us would disagree with that decision?

Perhaps closest to my heart is the fact that individuals with disabilities had to fight for their rights to physically access public buildings, and many parents had to fight for the rights of their children to be allowed to go to school. Every time I go to the grocery store across the street from me, there is a wonderful young man with autism who loads my groceries into bags and into my car. Who among us would disagree with his right to learn, work, and live in our society?

Here’s my point. Again-I literally don’t care if you disagree, because just as I am entitled to my opinion and free speech, you are as well. But I’m frustrated and tired of being silent. Gay rights are no different than any of the other social issues I have previously described. You can believe it’s “wrong” all day long, and as I’ve said, that’s your right. I personally believe in the combination of God’s grace and science, meaning this. Christ died, once and for ALL. You don’t get to judge. Second, science has shown that being “gay” isn’t a choice…it isn’t due to poor parenting, abuse, or any other reason you can come up with. We’re all born who we are. Period. Even if you don’t agree with the science of the matter, refer to #1. Christ died once and for ALL.

Seriously, think about it. Who did Jesus hang out with? It wasn’t the pious. It was the everyday man/woman.

Furthermore, there are so many dysfunctional heterosexual relationships in this world. Who are we (as heterosexuals) to judge anyone?  Have we figured it out? No.

I’m tired of the “Christian right” rhetoric going on and on about family values, and how being gay is an abomination. Guess what? Not every Christian denomination believes that! We are Lutheran. We ordain ministers who are gay/lesbian, as do Episcopalians and other faiths.

 I believe that the message of Christ was inclusion and love. You will never change my mind, just as I will likely never change yours. But as a Christian, I’m not going to shirk in the shadows or be grouped with others who believe that all Christians rebuke individuals who are gay.

I believe Mother Theresa put it best. “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

A Day at the Farm

I really love it when things in life unexpectedly tie up in neat little bows. It's so often the exact opposite of that (tangled up and messy), that when the "neat little bows" happen, perhaps they are even more sweet.

Back in December, someone I had never met donated to our AdoptTogether site. All I knew was that her name was "M. Peterson", but that was it, except for what she wrote, which was this:

"Dear Allison and Phillip, we don't know each other but I hope this helps with your dream of becoming parents. I don't think any family should be denied giving a child a home due to the funding that is required to go through the legalities and paperwork. I vowed to give to AdoptTogether before year's end. Read more here if you'd like (and then she posted a link to her blog). "

For those of you who gave, I made sure to send a thank you note (except if you gave during the time right after my father's death-I apologize if you didn't get a handwritten note).

I couldn't stand the thought of not knowing this generous person who gave to us without even knowing us. So of course, I started stalking reading her blog and checking out her website. It turns out she is a photographer, and she and her husband are farmers! Here's a link to her photography website:

www.mJmphotography.biz

 I found her email address on the site so I could at least thank her that way. In my email, I said something about wishing she lived in Virginia so she could take pictures of our baby when he/she finally comes home. Well......it turns out, she does live in VA, only about an hour away from us. In fact, I've driven very close to their farm about 100 times on my many treks to Front Royal working with teachers.

Lately I've been telling Philip that we need more friends that we don't work with. Nothing against our wonderful friends at work, but we just wanted to branch out since we're still putting our roots down here. We have wonderful neighbors that have become great friends, but other than that, we really haven't met that many new people in the last 3.5 years, other than those we work with. It's a lot harder to make new friends when you've lived somewhere else your whole life and you're in your 30s.

So I did something I wouldn't normally do (sort of becoming a theme at this stage in my life....) and asked if we could meet Molly and her husband Mike. I really wanted to see their farm! And so, yesterday we did the beautiful 1 hour drive to Sperryville, VA where, as Molly put it, there are "no stoplights or fast food restaurants".

As we were pulling in, we saw a guy on some kind of four wheeler (I hope that's what it was-I don't know much about farm equipment!) with a border collie riding on the back. I said to Phillip "that HAS to be Mike". And I was right! :)

We went for a tour of their farm first. It was HUGE! So much bigger than I expected. The only other time I've ever been on a farm was as a little girl, and it wasn't a functioning farm anymore-just inherited land with the farmhouse in tact. It was fascinating to hear how everything works...it really gave me a new appreciation for where my food comes from and the care that is given to the animals (at least on their farm). They have pigs, cows, sheep, and chickens. Here are some of their pigs!

Also, did you know that it takes a llama and a donkey to protect sheep from lions and tigers and bears (oh my! and bobcats, and coyotes)? Doesn't that sound like the punch line of a really funny joke? It's not. Apparently this dynamic duo is fierce enough to take down predators that try to eat the sheep.

(This picture isn't of their llama and donkey-it's just one I found online)

Have you ever heard of a guard donkey??? I hadn't. Plus, their donkey (I think his name is Pilgrim?) looks like he should be in a live nativity, not warding off predators! Apparently he has proven his worth, however. Here's a link that describes how it works:

http://ag.ansc.purdue.edu/sheep/ansc442/semprojs/2002/predation/llamas_and_donkeys.htm

I don't know why, but this FASCINATES me. It's sort of like everything in nature has a purpose-not just people, but animals too. It sort of reinforces the concept of "this is what I was born to do".

After the farm tour, Molly and Mike were gracious enough to feed us-and of course, many of the ingredients from the delicious brunch came from their own farm. We just chatted about life, about adoption, about sports (well, not so much me and Molly on that one...turns out Phillip and Mike are both Chicago Bears fans and both of them want to go skydiving. Mike's actually going. Phillip thinks he is actually going...I kind of said ok, but now I'm backing out of that comment!). They have quite a brood of pets, just like we do, so there were lots of dogs and dog noses in my lap and a cat by my side, which felt like just like home. 

As we were driving home, I told Phillip that rarely do  you meet someone for the first time, let alone two people, and there are no awkward moments of silence. As Molly put it, it feels like we've all known each other for years. I hope we will know each other for years! I also told Philip that now I wanted us to be farmers. He rolled his eyes. :) I think he has had enough of my adventures in this lifetime! This is a picture of the cute little town of Sperryville.

I also found this depiction of Sperryville as a "Farm Village" and thought it was pretty neat, too. 

If you know me,  you know I hate the cliche "everything happens for a reason". In fact, if you say it to me, I might have a hard time with a polite smile. It doesn't feel good when someone says that to you when times are hard, so that's why I just hate it, and I don't personally say it to anyone.  I'm not sure I believe it, either. But in this case, I don't think all of this was random. People are put into your lives at the time when you need them...and sometimes they come into your lives in very unexpected ways!

Yesterday was probably the most uplifting day I've had since my father passed away. I haven't wanted to do much on the weekends. But yesterday I had motivation to get out of my house and do something new. It turned out to be the most perfect Sunday. I felt like my "old self" again. We are so grateful to have met these two new friends-and grateful for their donation to our adoption that led to something new and exciting! 

Getting real...and being vague.

I'm going to apologize in advance to those of you who are used to me sharing lots of details. In this post, I just can't yet. But I needed to get our current situation out there, so that those of you who are praying for us, hoping for us, sending positive energy our way, can push it into "overdrive" for a bit, if you will.

In the last few days, we have made some progress in our adoption journey. We have some interest, from two birth mothers. It's incredibly hard to believe, especially how fast it has happened. We have only been active a month and two weeks....though it seems like we've been waiting forever. It has almost been a full year (11 months and almost two weeks) since we formally announced that we were going on this adoption journey.

If you are a family member or close friend, please don't feel left out of the loop or offended. We haven't shared this information with anyone, and as I said, we're not going into detail here about what has happened, mostly because we don't know how it will turn out, and we don't want to get our (and every one else's!) hopes up.

I'll just say this. This is the closest we've been to the reality of becoming a family since we started this journey. There are a LOT of things up in the air, so please, please pray for these two women. If you don't pray, send your positive thoughts their way. WE are fine. We are not overly excited or attached, because it's so new and so surreal, and we're trying to stay calm and focused on one day at a time. The birth mothers are the ones who need your prayers and support. They are the ones battling this incredibly difficult decision.

Neither of these situations might work out, and that's okay. But what if one did? We never in a million years imagined that anyone would be interested in us this quickly, much less two people. We were and ARE still prepared for a long wait.

I know this is the most vague blog post I've ever written, but it has to be so at this moment. Please don't ask any questions right now-we can't really share much. Believe me-when anything is official, we'll reveal some information. We have to protect the rights of these women, and that's extremely important to both of us. But, you all have been such a part of our journey-we thought it would be right to at least say that your efforts in helping us fund this adoption, as well as your efforts in prayer and hope for us, deserve a response!

For the first time, I actually feel like this could happen. Well, it will happen. And probably in the most unexpected way.