I am terrible at waiting. All of my applications for university positions are mailed. And now, I wait. With the craziness that the end of any semester brings, it's unlikely that I will hear from anyone before the new year. So far, I have one interview, which is encouraging, but it's difficult to wait for your life to unfold. I'm still believing that there is a "right" place for me. But waiting sets your mind up to think other things...like what if I don't get a job I really want? That has happened to people in my program in the past, and sometimes, you don't know why. Universities are looking for the right "match" for their needs. And yes, family, I know you think I'm the best and how could they not want me. Thank you for that! But, the reality is that I'm competing against people who are already in faculty positions and want to move, not just against other doctoral students.
I have said in the past that if I only got one interview, it would be easier, no decisions to make. I'm so confused about what I want. I want to do research, but I don't want the pressure of doing it alone-I need close collaboration with my colleagues. So I can't decide if a big research university is for me, or if I should go somewhere with lots of new faculty that will collaborate together, on a smaller scale. I'm not ever sure if I'm capable of taking it to the "next level" so to speak. I'm not the kind of person who just "knows" what will be right. I agonize over every decision. It's a really annoying quality, really. And I'm finding out that I have been spoiled by the level of collaboration at UNC Charlotte-not everywhere is like this. I may have to seek my own collaboration opportunities somewhere else.
The truth is, I'm scared. I like my life here. I don't want to move, I don't want to sell my house, I don't want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone, and start over again. Thank goodness for Phillip. He is ready for adventure, displays no fear, only excitement. I'm the worry-wart.
So these are my thoughts today. Pray for clarity, people! I need it desperately. And pray for these universities to pick up the phone and call! :)
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